The Mirror

Here i am again, another failed attempt behind me
a familiar place.
They tell you it makes you stronger and that trying is important
but time after time with different approaches, i still end up here.
I sat here with my house smelling of dirty litter, dishes piled high on my counter, my room a pile of clothes with a bed hidden somewhere, all day. I couldn't move to clean, I just stared at my computer screen then in the mirror, the same thought going through my head no matter what i told myself. You are a failure.
I can pep talk myself only so many times. I can only hear, we are going to make it through this, you are going to find another job, things will be ok, so many time,but when? When will I stop living on next to nothing, when will i find a job that I can work in for longer then 8 months with out something happening.

I'm scared.

And its going to hurt other things. I know you said you love me. but I just feel deep down that this will end like everything else in my life. Failed.
With that attitude it can only be self fulfilling, but i can't shake it.
I think I have just given up, who knows how long ago it happened.
I will be 27 this year. THAT, even writing that brings tears to my eyes. I know age is only a number but to me its a measure of time i have wasted and gotten no where. 27 years of fucking up.
There is hardly any life left in my eyes, I feel ....gone.
I don't want anyone to see, and i try to put on a brave face and pretend like at that moment it is all ok. But all i see when i look around, when I look at myself, when I try and picture some sort of future for myself is...failure.

Candice, you have never and there for never will, get anywhere, do anything, or be anything.

that is all my brain tells me. I yell back. I scream back, i say i'll prove you wrong, but before i go to bed, its there, when i wake up and convince myself its worth getting out of bed for, its there. When i walk by the mirror trying to figure out what to wear, its there, when i drive my car and stare mindlessly ahead, its there. I can feel it eating away at me.

I want hope, I want to say it will be ok and believe it.
But that seems like make believe, like santa, and the tooth fairy.

I don't know what to do. I feel like i'm going to scare off, or push away the only people who care for me. I just don't want to burden them, I don't want to go out like this, i don't want to be this.


i don't know what to do.

What am I doing?

Jumping from pad to pad
To scared to swim alone.

That's all you are,
a safety net

This isn't the time for me
This isn't what you need

I will need to drown a few more times before I hold my own.

Will you still be around?

My summer skin will shed and I'll be responsible then
I promise, or at least I'll try.

Just let me have this.

Fuck that Shit

I am sick and tired of wasted energy.

one day, one day, one day.

who cares.

I want now. Someone who deserves the energy and love i can give them. Someone who I like and ...this is a wild concept, they like me back.

I want to know what I am going to do for more then a year.
I want a house with my own room. Without someone checking up on me all the time.

This life is not what I asked for.

Why ?

Don't wake me from this fantasy

"Wish I could hold you up in my arms
Keep you safe and sound from any harm.
I can't seem to function from this far away
Never did a moment look so dull
Without your color in my day

Oh, it feels so good to hear you speak.

This is where I start to miss you more than I can bare
I hate this distance in between us, I don't think it's fair.
All my time spent wondering
How to stay true to you
But you're not here, and now I fear
I'll never get back to you.

Would have carried you to anywhere you please
Even if my limbs were broken and my body was diseased.
I can't seem to operate from this far away
There's a million littles voices telling me I should've stayed

Oh, it feels so good to hear you speak

This is where I start to miss you more than I can bare
I hate this distance in between us, I don't think it's fair.
All my time spent wondering
How to stay true to you
But you're not here, and now I fear
I'll never get back to you.

My blood aches from trying to make you appear
It's an awful sight to just see me in the mirror

This is where I start to miss you more than I can bare
I hate this distance in between us, I don't think it's fair.
All my time spent wondering
Why I stay true to you
'Cause you're not here, and now it's clear
I'm never going back to you.

No, no I'm never going back to you."

Waking up the morning after we talk is like getting down off a high or sobering up. The night seemed great but then you remember as the sun shines down on the world it isn't just you and I. There is SO much more and I don't get to keep you at the end of the day. Your heart belongs else where and I am back on the shelf.

How am I supposed to feel good when lately it seems like every person would choose someone else over me? Why cant *I* be the one that you are wrapped up in? The only one who you have eyes for and all other girls fail in comparison. .. I guess this is why we can't talk anymore. Why I have to let go. I want you here. You said you would come visit. come now. stay....

There's nothing else.

All we ever do is say goodbye.

I just...... ugh

please give it all up. forget about everything else but me.

I will be here.

To many songs

Come here boy

The rain is falling outside. Come be here with me. We will dance and laugh like we were young and care free.

That 's the way it should be.

Forget your life and come see me. There is so much we said we would do. So much to show you. walking hand in hand telling stories and making memories

That's the way it should be.

I'm not trying to make your life harder, only better. You know we could be something fantastic. I can't give that up, not yet. I see us laying there in each others arms, talking till that blue haze begins to show in the night sky and the world grows lighter. But we can't close our eyes because there is still so much to say.... about absolutely nothing.

That's the way it should be.

In shallow seas we sail

"I knew it (I knew it) right from the start
I got this big, big hole in my heart
I wanted to put you in
But for some reason you just wouldn't fit
You just wouldn't fit"

how does something swell and crash so fast?
I just want to run back to you and take you away.
pages of scribbles of things i want to say.
I keep my mouth shut because it's for the best.
but i can't hold back. how do i hold back?

Being raw is who we are.
its why boundaries would never work
its why we don't work.
and now "we are broken"
And there is no way to restore this now.
...."give us life again."

Life is less with out you.

"The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and
soundly But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the
front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel
so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'llthink of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh,if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here"

Mumford & Sons's = My air

I torture myself with thoughts and hopes.
I caught myself today,
Making excuses for you.
No more.
I will not do that.
I have seen how it blinds and enslaves you
I will not fall in the same trap of waiting
of wishing
It will only destroy me.

Fuck that shit.

stupid girl.

"All Hail The Heartbreaker"

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways
My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that
You are "just another girl"
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
Maybe then you'd know how I feel

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about this constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker

Not much of a secret

I try to contain myself

I am confused.
I am filtering my mind
My mouth
my life

I know this is all to much
to soon
Timing is all off
for everything.

Why can't i get my mind out of this place?

Tears,
fears.
not again.

But when it's good its good.
Good is never enough.
2nd place is where i stand
always and eternally.

I want 1st
I want.

I want to much,
I strive for so little.
I sit and stare
Think and cry
laugh and die some more inside.
how funny and cruel life is.

I filter my mind
my mouth
my life.

I'm a dork

Same old pattern. But this time it found me.

It's not my desire; it's not my choice
It's not intentional; I'm hypnotised by your voice
The same old thing, but always new
It's unbelievable how strongly I feel for...toward you

It's more like magnetism than anything else
I can't fight; I'm pulled against my will
It was not my decision, if you couldn't tell
It's more like magnetism; I can't even control myself

Cannot keep away; I feel the tension grow
It's getting stronger now, it's getting stronger now
It's getting stronger now, you're all I see
You have so much power over me

It's more like magnetism than anything else
I can't fight; I'm pulled against my will
It was not my decision, if you couldn't tell
It's more like magnetism; I can't even control myself

It's more like magnetism between you and me
I can't fight; I'm pulled against my will
My appetite to coincide with you grows stronger every night
And I can't fight magnetism, you know I can't even control myself, oh, myself

So it begins

I find myself thinking less of you every day, where once you possessed my mind and my heart I found something better that reminds me of everything you weren't. And though that is a whole other story. I was reminded of what I deserve.
I went out and a stunning man who was not a creep tried to pick me up. Someone I never would have thought to look at me. He grabbed me across the dance floor and spun me in a circle and dipped me. Like a romantic movie we danced the night away. I won't ever talk to him again, not my type. but the fact that someone like that wanted me says, Candice you are stunning, do not settle for someone who could never say you were beautiful, someone who made you feel miserable so much of the time and didn't make you smile every day.

I think the only part that is still dealing is the betrayal you put me through. You need to grow up.
I need to move on, and I am... maybe almost have.....
Its a faster process when there is someone who is worth it shows you, you are too.

If only.

Vanilla twilight

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

Deserving

here i am, wondering
Why did i think that you were the only one.
You were horrible to me.
I was sucked dry of any life i had when we started
How did we stay together so long when all you did was lie
you never wanted us
I was alone from the beginning, and no matter what i gave you gave nothing back.

So tell me why your eyes still make me weak
why I want your arms around me as i sleep and when i cry
How it is that everything i think about just leads back to a good memory of us

Why can't I just hate you?
Why do I just want to kiss you again.....

Hope?

Well, i've had two days of no tears and only a few minor panic attacks.
doing better.

I tried to kill myself a few days ago. ended up in the hospital. I really wanted to die. I did NOT want to wake up i just wanted to sleep and be done with it all. But there were other plans.
no one was home, or was going to be home for a few days. Only a lady stopped by to see if i wanted to go out for dinner, found me and then off i went to the hospital.

Stuipd? maybe, probably. By my emotions only get worse as days go on. I'm doing my best not to think of him or anything. He was a dumb boyfriend. He never cared for me and only sucked me dry. I deserve a prince. Something he could never be. because he is to stuck being a selfish small child.

Looks like i might be moving back to Waterloo for Aug Sep ish. Just trying to figure out work. This idea sort of excites me. A totally new chapter and experience. This hope has given me a better outlook on my new life. Having a mini plan makes me feel more stable and like i have something i can do.

I'm looking at becoming a bartender. I think since i have boobs and like the bar scene i could do ok. my clumsiness and anxiety has me a little concerned but we will see.

Just thought you should know.

Trying only seems to push me back

Anytime I try to move on i seem to get worse, I try to unpack and I start to panic. I try to tell myself how great life will be and I just think about how life won't be anymore. two weeks, and I still can't go to sleep with out crying. I still want him to come back. I want him.
But that is ridiculous.
I want to move on, i do. the biggest part of me wants to see this behind me.
It's not fair. I want to be stronger, be better, be happier...then him.
My heart is jumping out of my chest and the lump grows as i try to write this.


I can't get far enough away. I don't want to see him be happier else where. That will just kill me.

I can't lie

I go between hating you and hoping you will be at the door

I don't want you go get over me. I want you to realize you only want me.

drive up here and break down in tears and beg for me back.

Ask me to stay.

Un Just

It doesn't seem right that he gets to move on before I do. I should have a handsome rich man whisk me away and he should be left crushed and jealous that he gave me up. Instead he has people who oo and ahh over him and then he has that need to be wanted filled. I am left hung up and broken.
I want to punch something today.

He should miss me more.

Things I know

I love to dance, any time. I wish i could just be at a club all the time after a bad day. I just want to get dressed up and dancing in a dark room with flashing lights. Booze free it's my favorite thing to do.
I love to sing, I'm not great but I sing all the time when i'm alone.
I like creating things. I love to look at out there photos. I like buy expensive magazines and look at the photos.
I like to dress up. It makes me feel good to create something on myself.

I love to edit photos
I love to take pictures with no pressure.

I love top 40. - mostly due to dancing.

I want there to be a real love. I want someone to win me over and show me it's real.

Can't take that away from me.

There are many many crazy things
That will keep me loving you
And with your permission
May I list a few

The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No they can't take that away from me

The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No they can't take that away from me

We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
But I'll always, always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No they can't take that away from me

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/frank+sinatra/#share

Tour and such

You left I am trying my best not to think about it. but after another night of nightmares and waking up with my heart pounding out of my chest. my dreams play so many scenarios where you continually hurt me and i wake up feeling freshly hurt.
being honest with myself I think i still believe that after the summer he will come back. But I can't do that and WHY would i do that. To many lines were crossed and i deserve better. and after a summer of freedom why would i think now he is ready. He deserves nothing.

I hurt badly today. for the loss.

I can't move.

The sun

The sun is shining through the leaves and it's another new day.
It would appear that his bleeding desperate heart has moved on faster then mine as expected less then 48 hours after leaving he stopped his desperate texts and status updates of being broken. Now he is out bowling and having fun. Living his old life. The one he missed a lot and wanted back.
Sucks a little, but for the best.
I have learned i have to stay away from music and most movies. I may go for a walk today I used to do that a lot.

I am going to be something great you know. I am a giver, i give to much if anything and that is ok.

36 stairs

Still unpacking boxes.
The way my house is built i have to walk up 36 stairs from the garage to the loft (where i reside) with just one load. After a full day of dressers and large boxes of books my calfs are on fire. It made bringing up boxes today very painful and pretty much lead to me just sitting down and doing nothing.
I don't want to think past any moment i am in. As soon as i do my chest gets tight. I start to panic. so here i am just doing right now. trying to be smart but stay out of thought

Only a life lived for others is worth living - albert einstein

This is was on the movie i watched today. I liked it.
my heart hurts as the night comes and the house grows quiet and all i can think about is you.

If I know one thing

Last night was exhausting. Nothing like hours of crying and two Tylenol cold nighttime to knock you out for a good night sleep.
This morning the sun rose and i had to remind myself that it is a new day. As you may have guessed my heart is broken. If he can just move on and have his own life I need to make mine.
Me, myself, and I is all i have in the end. (thanks cagney)
It does hurt to know he is making a good life and I am stuck here but that shouldn't weigh on me. That is HIS choices and HIS life, not mine. He has his journey and I have mine to go through.
So on to today.

If there is ONE thing i know about myself it's that i love tank tops. Girls like shoes and purses, i have drawers of tank tops. I never really saw that till i was going through all my clothes. I love them. If i'm shopping i'm drawn to them. I have way to many but i still want more.
There i have one thing today that I know about myself.

Boxes and Baggage

Tonight is a rough one. Setting up this new place only made me want my old one more. Our bed, you. I want your arms so badly right now i need to be comforted. I need to know you are here for me. Like my drug i am going through withdrawal. I am jealous that you get to go to a BBQ and a show and have all your friends. I have nothing. I don't have anything to look forward to. Nothing to word towards I am so lost and empty right now. I hate you for taking this all away from me. I hate you for leaving me. I hate that i know you want to be with me but you just didn't want to do this anymore. I wish i could hate you enough to stop loving you. But I don't know how to stop doing that. ... over time i'm sure. but i have this feeling i'll be waiting around for you forever.
That one day you will find something else and i'll be on the sidelines crying inside but pretending i'm ok.
I just want you to want me back.
All these boxes have our memories. This bed is to small these sheets don't smell right. my pillow still smells like you. and that is all i have
I can't keep busy enough. I can't stay away from my tears. I can't stay away from you. I want US back. I need US.

Falling a thousand feet per second
You still take me by surprise
I just know we can’t be over
I can see it in your eyes
Making every kind of silence takes a lot to realize
It is worse to finish then to start all over and never let it lye
And as long as I can feel you holding on
I won’t fall even if you said I was wrong

I’m not perfect but I keep trying
‘Cause that’s what I said I would do from the start
I am not alive if I’m lonely
So please don’t leave
Was it something I said or was it just my personality


You made so many promises. you told me so many things and didn't do them. You ripped my heart to pieces with your lies. I am dead and nothing anymore. You took every part of me, draining the life from my vains I feel as if i am being ripped apart. I can't breath and I can't tell anyone. They all think that I was weak to love you but it took all my strength to do it. I should have listened and left before I loved you. I can't do this.
I don't want to do this. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know where i want to be. I don't know what i want to do.

i hate you, i love you.

I can't sleep.

WHY couldn't you just be with me. Why is the band more important then me and my love. WHY WASN'T I ENOUGH!
This isn't how it was supposed to be.

The Beginning

Well, Hello new blog.

I am starting you for me. My other blog was out of control and filled with to much crap. Now this is a blog to write out my new journey. One where I will start to find out who i am again and track it all down.
With very few friends that I enjoy talking to and even less that I feel I can be just plain honest with I figured i may give this a try again.

So lets begin.

I'm 25 and have just moved back home with my parents. Whom i have spent the last 8 years trying to show i can be independent. Needless to say it is a bit of an ego killer. BUT I understand the reasons for why i need to be here. You on the other hand don't, but I don't need to fill you in yet.
I grew up here. But moved out a long time ago. Down to the "City". A phrase used here to describe anything that isn't here. I didn't realize how much i had grown used to the comforts and things of living somewhere where stores are open past 6 and there is always something to do if you want to drive.
Last night was my first night and at 9:00 my cold that i have ( which was just an added bonus to the shit hole i'm going through right now) was REALLY getting to me and i thought to myself i should drive out to shoppers and get something so i can sleep. Instantly as i looked out our large sliding glass windows and only saw pitch black, no lights at all folks not even street lamps just the sky, and trees I remembered, there isn't a drug store open here. The closest one would be an hour away, which can be said for most things around here.
Then this morning I wake up and no one is home. I have no idea what to do with myself. I hadn't really thought all this through past packup and go away from all these memories and pain. I felt lost and empty. But being lost is the start of finding something right. If I knew where it was, i wouldn't be here. So feeling very out of place, I picked up the phone to call my mom and see what i should do today. As i went to dial I rememberd there is only six digits up here. No area codes. I really am in the middle of no where.
But this is where it is all going to start and THIS is where I am going to ramble on and on with no care for grammer or being witty. Just talking what I think.

Welcome