The Mirror

Here i am again, another failed attempt behind me
a familiar place.
They tell you it makes you stronger and that trying is important
but time after time with different approaches, i still end up here.
I sat here with my house smelling of dirty litter, dishes piled high on my counter, my room a pile of clothes with a bed hidden somewhere, all day. I couldn't move to clean, I just stared at my computer screen then in the mirror, the same thought going through my head no matter what i told myself. You are a failure.
I can pep talk myself only so many times. I can only hear, we are going to make it through this, you are going to find another job, things will be ok, so many time,but when? When will I stop living on next to nothing, when will i find a job that I can work in for longer then 8 months with out something happening.

I'm scared.

And its going to hurt other things. I know you said you love me. but I just feel deep down that this will end like everything else in my life. Failed.
With that attitude it can only be self fulfilling, but i can't shake it.
I think I have just given up, who knows how long ago it happened.
I will be 27 this year. THAT, even writing that brings tears to my eyes. I know age is only a number but to me its a measure of time i have wasted and gotten no where. 27 years of fucking up.
There is hardly any life left in my eyes, I feel ....gone.
I don't want anyone to see, and i try to put on a brave face and pretend like at that moment it is all ok. But all i see when i look around, when I look at myself, when I try and picture some sort of future for myself is...failure.

Candice, you have never and there for never will, get anywhere, do anything, or be anything.

that is all my brain tells me. I yell back. I scream back, i say i'll prove you wrong, but before i go to bed, its there, when i wake up and convince myself its worth getting out of bed for, its there. When i walk by the mirror trying to figure out what to wear, its there, when i drive my car and stare mindlessly ahead, its there. I can feel it eating away at me.

I want hope, I want to say it will be ok and believe it.
But that seems like make believe, like santa, and the tooth fairy.

I don't know what to do. I feel like i'm going to scare off, or push away the only people who care for me. I just don't want to burden them, I don't want to go out like this, i don't want to be this.


i don't know what to do.