Mumford & Sons's = My air

I torture myself with thoughts and hopes.
I caught myself today,
Making excuses for you.
No more.
I will not do that.
I have seen how it blinds and enslaves you
I will not fall in the same trap of waiting
of wishing
It will only destroy me.

Fuck that shit.

stupid girl.

"All Hail The Heartbreaker"

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways
My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that
You are "just another girl"
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
Maybe then you'd know how I feel

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about this constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker

Not much of a secret

I try to contain myself

I am confused.
I am filtering my mind
My mouth
my life

I know this is all to much
to soon
Timing is all off
for everything.

Why can't i get my mind out of this place?

Tears,
fears.
not again.

But when it's good its good.
Good is never enough.
2nd place is where i stand
always and eternally.

I want 1st
I want.

I want to much,
I strive for so little.
I sit and stare
Think and cry
laugh and die some more inside.
how funny and cruel life is.

I filter my mind
my mouth
my life.

I'm a dork

Same old pattern. But this time it found me.

It's not my desire; it's not my choice
It's not intentional; I'm hypnotised by your voice
The same old thing, but always new
It's unbelievable how strongly I feel for...toward you

It's more like magnetism than anything else
I can't fight; I'm pulled against my will
It was not my decision, if you couldn't tell
It's more like magnetism; I can't even control myself

Cannot keep away; I feel the tension grow
It's getting stronger now, it's getting stronger now
It's getting stronger now, you're all I see
You have so much power over me

It's more like magnetism than anything else
I can't fight; I'm pulled against my will
It was not my decision, if you couldn't tell
It's more like magnetism; I can't even control myself

It's more like magnetism between you and me
I can't fight; I'm pulled against my will
My appetite to coincide with you grows stronger every night
And I can't fight magnetism, you know I can't even control myself, oh, myself

So it begins

I find myself thinking less of you every day, where once you possessed my mind and my heart I found something better that reminds me of everything you weren't. And though that is a whole other story. I was reminded of what I deserve.
I went out and a stunning man who was not a creep tried to pick me up. Someone I never would have thought to look at me. He grabbed me across the dance floor and spun me in a circle and dipped me. Like a romantic movie we danced the night away. I won't ever talk to him again, not my type. but the fact that someone like that wanted me says, Candice you are stunning, do not settle for someone who could never say you were beautiful, someone who made you feel miserable so much of the time and didn't make you smile every day.

I think the only part that is still dealing is the betrayal you put me through. You need to grow up.
I need to move on, and I am... maybe almost have.....
Its a faster process when there is someone who is worth it shows you, you are too.

If only.

Vanilla twilight

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

Deserving

here i am, wondering
Why did i think that you were the only one.
You were horrible to me.
I was sucked dry of any life i had when we started
How did we stay together so long when all you did was lie
you never wanted us
I was alone from the beginning, and no matter what i gave you gave nothing back.

So tell me why your eyes still make me weak
why I want your arms around me as i sleep and when i cry
How it is that everything i think about just leads back to a good memory of us

Why can't I just hate you?
Why do I just want to kiss you again.....

Hope?

Well, i've had two days of no tears and only a few minor panic attacks.
doing better.

I tried to kill myself a few days ago. ended up in the hospital. I really wanted to die. I did NOT want to wake up i just wanted to sleep and be done with it all. But there were other plans.
no one was home, or was going to be home for a few days. Only a lady stopped by to see if i wanted to go out for dinner, found me and then off i went to the hospital.

Stuipd? maybe, probably. By my emotions only get worse as days go on. I'm doing my best not to think of him or anything. He was a dumb boyfriend. He never cared for me and only sucked me dry. I deserve a prince. Something he could never be. because he is to stuck being a selfish small child.

Looks like i might be moving back to Waterloo for Aug Sep ish. Just trying to figure out work. This idea sort of excites me. A totally new chapter and experience. This hope has given me a better outlook on my new life. Having a mini plan makes me feel more stable and like i have something i can do.

I'm looking at becoming a bartender. I think since i have boobs and like the bar scene i could do ok. my clumsiness and anxiety has me a little concerned but we will see.

Just thought you should know.