When I feel alone, I have you, my not so obsolete blog.

Things have been weird lately. I have been doing well job, money and so on is better then usual. I guess I just have to think at what cost. Before I couldn’t go out because I have no money, now i have money but not time.

If I got engaged today, I’m not really sure who I would want for me at my wedding, and not sure there is anyone I could ask to be a bridesmaid.

I have one or two girls who I am still on good terms with only we haven’t hung out in a year. But no one who knows me, who could give a speech at my wedding, who could assist me through the process, throw me a killer bachelorette. I have no one.

It is a sad and lonely thought, even when you have love, to not have anyone outside of it can make you feel alienated.

I just don’t mesh well with others over a long period of time.

I can’t make real friends.

I clean when I’m angry

I clean willingly very rarely, except when I’m stressed out or upset. I find I have so much energy welling up inside me I either shut down or have to do something. I guess it feels better to at least use it for something productive then to just destroy something, though that is more what I feel like doing right now.

I hate having female hormones because they seem to blow things out of proportion, yet I over compensate by trying to just over rationalist and not ever expressing anger.

Everything should be fine but its not, It has all been tainted and things that never used to annoy me do now and I can’t get over it. I experienced patterns and pushed my distain for them down into a little box I never opened, I figured that was the best way to make things work and when it wasn’t I was left feeling ripped off, all that work, all that patients I was teaching myself was for nothing. So now I feel as if my fuse is shorter, I notice even something remotely close to his mannerisms and I just want to freak out. But is that the only reason I’m upset or is it genuinely a reason to be upset, I can’t tell anymore.

The worst part is I have no one to talk to, ever. People say they have an ear but they are all tainted by something, I have just taken to nodding and saying "yah of course I know" when people tell me there are “there for me” because when I need them, they aren’t.

What if I’m just setting myself up here for a bigger fall then before?

The Mirror

Here i am again, another failed attempt behind me
a familiar place.
They tell you it makes you stronger and that trying is important
but time after time with different approaches, i still end up here.
I sat here with my house smelling of dirty litter, dishes piled high on my counter, my room a pile of clothes with a bed hidden somewhere, all day. I couldn't move to clean, I just stared at my computer screen then in the mirror, the same thought going through my head no matter what i told myself. You are a failure.
I can pep talk myself only so many times. I can only hear, we are going to make it through this, you are going to find another job, things will be ok, so many time,but when? When will I stop living on next to nothing, when will i find a job that I can work in for longer then 8 months with out something happening.

I'm scared.

And its going to hurt other things. I know you said you love me. but I just feel deep down that this will end like everything else in my life. Failed.
With that attitude it can only be self fulfilling, but i can't shake it.
I think I have just given up, who knows how long ago it happened.
I will be 27 this year. THAT, even writing that brings tears to my eyes. I know age is only a number but to me its a measure of time i have wasted and gotten no where. 27 years of fucking up.
There is hardly any life left in my eyes, I feel ....gone.
I don't want anyone to see, and i try to put on a brave face and pretend like at that moment it is all ok. But all i see when i look around, when I look at myself, when I try and picture some sort of future for myself is...failure.

Candice, you have never and there for never will, get anywhere, do anything, or be anything.

that is all my brain tells me. I yell back. I scream back, i say i'll prove you wrong, but before i go to bed, its there, when i wake up and convince myself its worth getting out of bed for, its there. When i walk by the mirror trying to figure out what to wear, its there, when i drive my car and stare mindlessly ahead, its there. I can feel it eating away at me.

I want hope, I want to say it will be ok and believe it.
But that seems like make believe, like santa, and the tooth fairy.

I don't know what to do. I feel like i'm going to scare off, or push away the only people who care for me. I just don't want to burden them, I don't want to go out like this, i don't want to be this.


i don't know what to do.

What am I doing?

Jumping from pad to pad
To scared to swim alone.

That's all you are,
a safety net

This isn't the time for me
This isn't what you need

I will need to drown a few more times before I hold my own.

Will you still be around?

My summer skin will shed and I'll be responsible then
I promise, or at least I'll try.

Just let me have this.

Fuck that Shit

I am sick and tired of wasted energy.

one day, one day, one day.

who cares.

I want now. Someone who deserves the energy and love i can give them. Someone who I like and ...this is a wild concept, they like me back.

I want to know what I am going to do for more then a year.
I want a house with my own room. Without someone checking up on me all the time.

This life is not what I asked for.

Why ?

Don't wake me from this fantasy

"Wish I could hold you up in my arms
Keep you safe and sound from any harm.
I can't seem to function from this far away
Never did a moment look so dull
Without your color in my day

Oh, it feels so good to hear you speak.

This is where I start to miss you more than I can bare
I hate this distance in between us, I don't think it's fair.
All my time spent wondering
How to stay true to you
But you're not here, and now I fear
I'll never get back to you.

Would have carried you to anywhere you please
Even if my limbs were broken and my body was diseased.
I can't seem to operate from this far away
There's a million littles voices telling me I should've stayed

Oh, it feels so good to hear you speak

This is where I start to miss you more than I can bare
I hate this distance in between us, I don't think it's fair.
All my time spent wondering
How to stay true to you
But you're not here, and now I fear
I'll never get back to you.

My blood aches from trying to make you appear
It's an awful sight to just see me in the mirror

This is where I start to miss you more than I can bare
I hate this distance in between us, I don't think it's fair.
All my time spent wondering
Why I stay true to you
'Cause you're not here, and now it's clear
I'm never going back to you.

No, no I'm never going back to you."

Waking up the morning after we talk is like getting down off a high or sobering up. The night seemed great but then you remember as the sun shines down on the world it isn't just you and I. There is SO much more and I don't get to keep you at the end of the day. Your heart belongs else where and I am back on the shelf.

How am I supposed to feel good when lately it seems like every person would choose someone else over me? Why cant *I* be the one that you are wrapped up in? The only one who you have eyes for and all other girls fail in comparison. .. I guess this is why we can't talk anymore. Why I have to let go. I want you here. You said you would come visit. come now. stay....