Trying only seems to push me back

Anytime I try to move on i seem to get worse, I try to unpack and I start to panic. I try to tell myself how great life will be and I just think about how life won't be anymore. two weeks, and I still can't go to sleep with out crying. I still want him to come back. I want him.
But that is ridiculous.
I want to move on, i do. the biggest part of me wants to see this behind me.
It's not fair. I want to be stronger, be better, be happier...then him.
My heart is jumping out of my chest and the lump grows as i try to write this.


I can't get far enough away. I don't want to see him be happier else where. That will just kill me.

I can't lie

I go between hating you and hoping you will be at the door

I don't want you go get over me. I want you to realize you only want me.

drive up here and break down in tears and beg for me back.

Ask me to stay.

Un Just

It doesn't seem right that he gets to move on before I do. I should have a handsome rich man whisk me away and he should be left crushed and jealous that he gave me up. Instead he has people who oo and ahh over him and then he has that need to be wanted filled. I am left hung up and broken.
I want to punch something today.

He should miss me more.

Things I know

I love to dance, any time. I wish i could just be at a club all the time after a bad day. I just want to get dressed up and dancing in a dark room with flashing lights. Booze free it's my favorite thing to do.
I love to sing, I'm not great but I sing all the time when i'm alone.
I like creating things. I love to look at out there photos. I like buy expensive magazines and look at the photos.
I like to dress up. It makes me feel good to create something on myself.

I love to edit photos
I love to take pictures with no pressure.

I love top 40. - mostly due to dancing.

I want there to be a real love. I want someone to win me over and show me it's real.

Can't take that away from me.

There are many many crazy things
That will keep me loving you
And with your permission
May I list a few

The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No they can't take that away from me

The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No they can't take that away from me

We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
But I'll always, always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No they can't take that away from me

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/frank+sinatra/#share

Tour and such

You left I am trying my best not to think about it. but after another night of nightmares and waking up with my heart pounding out of my chest. my dreams play so many scenarios where you continually hurt me and i wake up feeling freshly hurt.
being honest with myself I think i still believe that after the summer he will come back. But I can't do that and WHY would i do that. To many lines were crossed and i deserve better. and after a summer of freedom why would i think now he is ready. He deserves nothing.

I hurt badly today. for the loss.

I can't move.

The sun

The sun is shining through the leaves and it's another new day.
It would appear that his bleeding desperate heart has moved on faster then mine as expected less then 48 hours after leaving he stopped his desperate texts and status updates of being broken. Now he is out bowling and having fun. Living his old life. The one he missed a lot and wanted back.
Sucks a little, but for the best.
I have learned i have to stay away from music and most movies. I may go for a walk today I used to do that a lot.

I am going to be something great you know. I am a giver, i give to much if anything and that is ok.

36 stairs

Still unpacking boxes.
The way my house is built i have to walk up 36 stairs from the garage to the loft (where i reside) with just one load. After a full day of dressers and large boxes of books my calfs are on fire. It made bringing up boxes today very painful and pretty much lead to me just sitting down and doing nothing.
I don't want to think past any moment i am in. As soon as i do my chest gets tight. I start to panic. so here i am just doing right now. trying to be smart but stay out of thought

Only a life lived for others is worth living - albert einstein

This is was on the movie i watched today. I liked it.
my heart hurts as the night comes and the house grows quiet and all i can think about is you.

If I know one thing

Last night was exhausting. Nothing like hours of crying and two Tylenol cold nighttime to knock you out for a good night sleep.
This morning the sun rose and i had to remind myself that it is a new day. As you may have guessed my heart is broken. If he can just move on and have his own life I need to make mine.
Me, myself, and I is all i have in the end. (thanks cagney)
It does hurt to know he is making a good life and I am stuck here but that shouldn't weigh on me. That is HIS choices and HIS life, not mine. He has his journey and I have mine to go through.
So on to today.

If there is ONE thing i know about myself it's that i love tank tops. Girls like shoes and purses, i have drawers of tank tops. I never really saw that till i was going through all my clothes. I love them. If i'm shopping i'm drawn to them. I have way to many but i still want more.
There i have one thing today that I know about myself.

Boxes and Baggage

Tonight is a rough one. Setting up this new place only made me want my old one more. Our bed, you. I want your arms so badly right now i need to be comforted. I need to know you are here for me. Like my drug i am going through withdrawal. I am jealous that you get to go to a BBQ and a show and have all your friends. I have nothing. I don't have anything to look forward to. Nothing to word towards I am so lost and empty right now. I hate you for taking this all away from me. I hate you for leaving me. I hate that i know you want to be with me but you just didn't want to do this anymore. I wish i could hate you enough to stop loving you. But I don't know how to stop doing that. ... over time i'm sure. but i have this feeling i'll be waiting around for you forever.
That one day you will find something else and i'll be on the sidelines crying inside but pretending i'm ok.
I just want you to want me back.
All these boxes have our memories. This bed is to small these sheets don't smell right. my pillow still smells like you. and that is all i have
I can't keep busy enough. I can't stay away from my tears. I can't stay away from you. I want US back. I need US.

Falling a thousand feet per second
You still take me by surprise
I just know we can’t be over
I can see it in your eyes
Making every kind of silence takes a lot to realize
It is worse to finish then to start all over and never let it lye
And as long as I can feel you holding on
I won’t fall even if you said I was wrong

I’m not perfect but I keep trying
‘Cause that’s what I said I would do from the start
I am not alive if I’m lonely
So please don’t leave
Was it something I said or was it just my personality


You made so many promises. you told me so many things and didn't do them. You ripped my heart to pieces with your lies. I am dead and nothing anymore. You took every part of me, draining the life from my vains I feel as if i am being ripped apart. I can't breath and I can't tell anyone. They all think that I was weak to love you but it took all my strength to do it. I should have listened and left before I loved you. I can't do this.
I don't want to do this. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know where i want to be. I don't know what i want to do.

i hate you, i love you.

I can't sleep.

WHY couldn't you just be with me. Why is the band more important then me and my love. WHY WASN'T I ENOUGH!
This isn't how it was supposed to be.

The Beginning

Well, Hello new blog.

I am starting you for me. My other blog was out of control and filled with to much crap. Now this is a blog to write out my new journey. One where I will start to find out who i am again and track it all down.
With very few friends that I enjoy talking to and even less that I feel I can be just plain honest with I figured i may give this a try again.

So lets begin.

I'm 25 and have just moved back home with my parents. Whom i have spent the last 8 years trying to show i can be independent. Needless to say it is a bit of an ego killer. BUT I understand the reasons for why i need to be here. You on the other hand don't, but I don't need to fill you in yet.
I grew up here. But moved out a long time ago. Down to the "City". A phrase used here to describe anything that isn't here. I didn't realize how much i had grown used to the comforts and things of living somewhere where stores are open past 6 and there is always something to do if you want to drive.
Last night was my first night and at 9:00 my cold that i have ( which was just an added bonus to the shit hole i'm going through right now) was REALLY getting to me and i thought to myself i should drive out to shoppers and get something so i can sleep. Instantly as i looked out our large sliding glass windows and only saw pitch black, no lights at all folks not even street lamps just the sky, and trees I remembered, there isn't a drug store open here. The closest one would be an hour away, which can be said for most things around here.
Then this morning I wake up and no one is home. I have no idea what to do with myself. I hadn't really thought all this through past packup and go away from all these memories and pain. I felt lost and empty. But being lost is the start of finding something right. If I knew where it was, i wouldn't be here. So feeling very out of place, I picked up the phone to call my mom and see what i should do today. As i went to dial I rememberd there is only six digits up here. No area codes. I really am in the middle of no where.
But this is where it is all going to start and THIS is where I am going to ramble on and on with no care for grammer or being witty. Just talking what I think.

Welcome