I clean willingly very rarely, except when I’m stressed out or upset. I find I have so much energy welling up inside me I either shut down or have to do something. I guess it feels better to at least use it for something productive then to just destroy something, though that is more what I feel like doing right now.
I hate having female hormones because they seem to blow things out of proportion, yet I over compensate by trying to just over rationalist and not ever expressing anger.
Everything should be fine but its not, It has all been tainted and things that never used to annoy me do now and I can’t get over it. I experienced patterns and pushed my distain for them down into a little box I never opened, I figured that was the best way to make things work and when it wasn’t I was left feeling ripped off, all that work, all that patients I was teaching myself was for nothing. So now I feel as if my fuse is shorter, I notice even something remotely close to his mannerisms and I just want to freak out. But is that the only reason I’m upset or is it genuinely a reason to be upset, I can’t tell anymore.
The worst part is I have no one to talk to, ever. People say they have an ear but they are all tainted by something, I have just taken to nodding and saying "yah of course I know" when people tell me there are “there for me” because when I need them, they aren’t.
What if I’m just setting myself up here for a bigger fall then before?
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